The logo hung over the stage

As I promised Dear Readers, I am back with more tales of the Diva. We haven’t really gotten into it have we? You don’t really know what took place do you? You only know I was a dissatisfied customer. Well, there was one thing I was satisfied with (all right there was more than one), the show. It is now my opinion that you can always count on Entertainment to save Merchandise’s butt at these special events. Merchandise throws the soirée, manages to not plan too well and Entertainment comes through to make them look good.

Thank you Entertainment, I adore you all.

And, Entertainment did come through at the Divas event. Although overall it was not a knock- your- socks off show (the ending left something to be desired and the flow of the show needed to be a little tighter), it did have knock- your- socks off moments, a terrific and hysterically funny hostess, and was just generally pretty darned entertaining.

So climb on board and allow me to guide you through the entertainment portion of our program. Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times and small children... you sit in the middle of the vehicle, okay?

Everyone seated in the Fantasyland Theatre was filled with anticipation for the Divas to arrive. As there is before any show, there was a buzz of voices filling the air. A slight chill hung in the air and rain was threatening to burst forth at any second. The stage was plain with only the Divas logo medallion (as seem above) displayed in the middle of the theatre’s drawn curtain.

Cinderella's step-sisters and step mother - Drizella, Anastasia, and Lady Tremaine

The pitch of the buzzing voices grew louder. I could hear some commotion to the back of the theatre. All eyes were directed toward the cacophonous sounds. Oh, it was just Drizella, Anastasia, and Lady Tremaine causing their usual raucous looking for that prince. I think they thought they were Divas, but poor dears, they really need to buy a vowel and get a clue because they are no more Diva-ish than they are ever going to get the Prince.

The umm, lovely, ladies were chased from the stage and our hostess (with the most-ess) made her grand entrance. Now, Dear Readers, I am quite sure you have not heard of her before. I have a feeling she has been out touring with Bette Midler as one of those nameless Harlettes. She was, yes, ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for...

Calamari, the unauthorized, little-publicized baby sister of Ursula and Morgana

Calamari

Ursula’s and Morgana’s unauthorized little-publicized baby sister.

And Bette Midler’s got nothing over her.

Calamari borrowed Ariel’s rock from Animazement on which to make her grand entrance. She sang that beautiful ahhhh ahhhhh, ahhhhh that Ariel is so fond of, "NOT!" She shouted and laughed a good throaty laugh. She climbed down off the rock, told a few jokes, adjusted her lovely purple coiffure and stunning purple velvet frock, and worked the crowd like only a true Diva can. After garnering a few good laughs from the audience, Calamari wasted no time breaking into song. She introduced her back up singers, The She-Urchins who glided onstage seated in a large shell and together they launched into Poor Unfortunate Souls, which Calamari dedicated to her dearly departed sister.

Calamari steals a bit from Bette Midler?

After such a stunning beginning, the show slowed a bit with the introduction of The Queen of Hearts. Yes, the Queen of Hearts is a Diva and deserved to be there. The problem was that she was not portrayed by an actress, but rather the rubber headed walk-around. It was a little disjointed and odd and I didn’t think it worked too well. If I had been the director, I would have cut the Queen of Hearts. But then, I’m not a director am I? No, but I am director of this column so...

"Off with her head!"

After dispensing with the croquet playing Diva, we got back to the good stuff. Calamari began her introduction, "She certainly was a live one, wasn’t she? But this isn’t just Divas live... that’s so terribly limiting... Here she is now, still waiting for your death certificate... Little Leota!"

Little Leota

Now Leota has had a bit of practice at this entrance thing. You all remember last year’s show? As she did at the Haunted Mansion event, Leota glided onstage effortlessly, trailing a cloud of wispy fog behind her. She may be dead, but she is quite lovely and boy can that girl sing.

Leota called from beyond to summon her backup singers, a Bride, a Dancer, and a Viking. Coming up from the netherworld (otherwise known as the trap door in the stage) they began a gentle slower version of Grim Grinning Ghosts. It was lovely. It was spellbinding and completely mesmerizing. I wish I had it on CD so I could listen to it again and again.

Leota and company must have conferred with those three Hitchhiking Ghost friends of hers. They loaned the girls a doombuggy for their exit (don’t you wish you had friends like that?). As they finished the song they gracefully glided into their awaiting carriage and trying to "look alive", exited as ethereally as they had entered.

"Hurry back. Hurry baaaaack. That was dead on ladies," quipped Calamari as she encouraged us, the audience, to join with her in her plea for Leota to return.

Another dead spot in the show. Calamari made a joke about the next Diva being cute as a bug and Frances, the lady bug from Toy Story, made a quick appearance to gripe about being called a girl. Yeah, Yeah, Frances, we all know you’re a guy. And since I’m the director of this story, you’re gone too (as you should have been from the show).

"There he goes, back in the closet again..."

"with the moths."

Ah, that Calamari, she had a way with words.

To introduce her next Divalicious guest, Calamari simply sang a delightful little ditty that was a tasteful treat.

Now Dear Readers, Cruella always reminds me of that Ab Fab diva, Patsy. She played it to the absolutely fabulous hilt, too. Looking quite stunning in your basic black (I do adore that color), slinky, sparkly number with a lovely white fur (Hello PETA?) coat, Cruella and Calamari traded nasty quips back and forth until what I suspect would be the Cruella version of Monkey Boy (that’s stage hand to you non theatre types) came out with a stool for Cruella to sit upon. She had been complaining you see, that her dogs were tired.

Cruella laughed and addressed the band, "Hit it!"

Dear Readers, what song would you have Cruella sing? I mean, think about it, what is the perfect Cruella song? Yes dears, I can hear you shouting back at me...

Puppy Love

Donny Osmond would have been proud.

Cruella, will all the style and grace she is known for, sang a rousing rendition of a mix of Puppy Love and How Much Is That Doggy In The Window.

As Cruella ended her song, I began to get vibes. You know how you can tell when someone doesn’t really care for another? They have that fake interest on their face.

"Fabulous. Simply fabulous. Yes, every dog has his day," Calamari smirked to Cruella, "Until they run into Cruella!"

Could it be that Calamari was not too fond of fellow Diva Cruella?

"Wish I could stay, but I’ve got bigger fish to fry," Cruella smirked right back.

Dear Readers, now my favorite moment of the evening approached. I only hope my words will do justice to said moment.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, her Royal Highness with the blackest of hearts, the Evil Queen!"

Here’s a Diva who knows how to make an entrance, not to mention a snappy dresser. Since she’s a girl after my own heart (so to speak) in that department, I couldn’t help but be envious of her gorgeous purple brocade dress and black sequined cape that caught the light in just the right way as she swirled it about. Where does this girl shop? I want to know.

The Evil Queen questions her "Reflection"

The music of Reflection from Mulan started. Dear Readers, bear with me, I must write the lyrics for you so you get the full effect here. Imagine the Evil Queen in her beautiful flowing robes. She picks up a mirror and starts to sing. Not merely sing, she SINGS. Would that I could even hum half as well.

At this point the strikingly beautiful queen looked toward the audience and dead panned, "Or at least have it cut out and placed in a nice, bejeweled box."

Loved that. Love, love, loved that! To whom ever wrote that part of the script, Bravo. I applaud you. It was brilliant!

After her splendid moment, the Queen did not miss a beat and continued on with her song. Dear Readers, I beg your forgiveness. I am about to spoil the illusion for you and I am sorry. I must step aside and refer to the actress playing the part of the Evil Queen. She is going to be a star. On the off chance that you read this dear, may I just say you were brilliant. And thank you for the moment of magic that most of the evening so sorely lacked. If I blot the evening from my memory I know I will retain one thing and that is your stunning rendition of Reflection, plus you acted the @#%* out of the part. Again, I offer my, ummm heartfelt, thanks.

Okay, enough of the personal gushy stuff. Let’s continue, shall we?

Calamari and the Queen traded a few words and were soon joined by Cruella who just can’t stand being upstaged. If there’s limelight to be had, she at least needs a piece of it. The conversation turned to fashion. Calamari tried to dominate the discussion, but clearly she came in third when it comes to haute couture so Cruella and the Queen disposed of her by shoving her into a pit (otherwise know as the trap door in the stage—you’ve heard that one before haven’t you?).

"So long Squidface," laughed Cruella.

"I think we have a mutual agreement," said the Queen.

"Yes. Never take advice from an amateur," added Cruella.

The two then formed an alliance to sing one of my favorite songs from Aida. Actually, the only song from Aida that I like. If you haven’t heard it, do give a listen, it’s the song the character Amneris sings and it’s a showstopper. It’s called My Strongest Suit. I tell you, the only thing that could have made this rendition better would have been the addition of backup singers not unlike those used on the Aida recording.

The song was a perfect choice for these two Divas

We’re going a little long here so I will try to wind my description of the show up for you as I have other things to discuss and well.

The Queen, Maleficent and Cruella

Maleficent made an entrance, sang That Old Black Magic and wowed the crowd. The lovely ladies of evil gathered together to sing a tune totally devoted to Diva-ness. Toward the end of the ditty, they were rudely interrupted by...

What?

The Three Good Fairies arrived on the scene to save the audience from harm. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather admonished the Divas, "Oh Maleficent, you mean ol’ thing. Stop! You’re going to scare all these people!"

In the words of another Diva, why’d you have to go and spoil all my beautiful wickedness? What a world, what a world...

Do gooders! They should leave well enough alone. I liked the evil ones. Let them have the kingdom for an evening.

The show took a down turn here. It was kind of like they really didn’t know how to end the thing. Being Disney, I suspect they felt they couldn’t have the bad guys rule the night without some intervention from the good guys. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather sang a Let’s Bring Cynthia Along song, a not too terribly clever way to introduce the president of the Disneyland Resort, Cynthia Harriss. Ms. Harriss, whom I think is charming, warm, and pretty wonderful, unfortunately regressed back to the I- can’t- do- public- speaking- very- well mode that she exhibited last year at the Haunted Mansion event. I think she was reading from a script. She was stiff. A request Disneyland... please just speak from the heart Ms. Harriss, you excel at that. Toss out those nasty old scripts and tell us what you actually think in your own words. You’ll do fine, really, trust me.

Cynthia Harriss [President of Disneyland Resort] and the three fairy godmothers from Sleeping Beauty

Cynthia (may I call you that?) thanked the audience for coming and told us all we needed a special amulet to protect us from the evil that might possibly be lurking in Fantasyland as we were about to head over there for the next portion of the long drawn out evening.

Now, If I ruled the world, and of course I don’t so it isn’t run right, I would have had the Fairies lead the crowd over to Fantasyland. I would have had some of the good guys join them and work the crowd to get across the angle that the evil ones had taken over the rides and needed to be vanquished. You know, that good against evil struggle? It would have been a nice touch, It would have amused the crowd when they got to Fantasyland and the rides weren’t up and running. The good guys could have directed everyone to have some dessert in Village Haus. They could have kept everything running smoothly. Instead we got suits with walkie talkies (that they obviously weren’t using to let the Fantasyland folks know we were coming) who seemed tired, bored, completely indifferent and wanting to go home. I felt so welcome.

Can we please have Brom Bones and Ichabod Crane back? Those two gentlemen from the Toad event knew how to divert the crowd from boredom. And the cast members working that event seemed pleased to be there. I want them back please.

At this point in the evening, I pretty much think it broke out into mass chaos. We were supposed to ride the rides in Fantasyland and at the exit of each ride, we got our little Divas card punched and were handed a nifty pin. I don’t much care about pins. I am completely incapable of understanding the whole pin collecting deal. I think it’s stupid. That said, I must tell you Dear Readers, the pins are nice (which means they are really nice because I am pretty much a pin hater). Adrienne has a picture up at MouseShoppe so you can all drool.

One little problem though. The evening was running long. Not the guest’s fault. Disneyland started things late. I don’t think rain is a valid excuse, so don’t offer that one up to me. They just plain didn’t plan well. They were going to have to shuffle folks around from one venue to the next so changing where we were eating due to rain, is not an excuse. Nothing else had to be changed. The show still took place in the Fantasyland Theatre. The night still ended in Fantasyland. Why was it such a mess? And how many of you got to ride each ride before the kind Disney folks shut things down? Come on now. I want to see a show of hands.

You know, I didn’t dawdle. I didn’t stand around twiddling my thumbs and say, "Oh woe is me, what do I do next?" I got my magic amulet and hotfooted it over to Fantasyland. I rode Pinocchio and saw a girl playing with a puppet in the ride. Ooh, that was a scary one. Evil really has taken over the rides.

Um... evil, I guess.

I then dashed over to Mr. Toad. Yeah, yeah, a girl in a devil costume popped out at me in Hell. Scary. Predictable. Where were the Divas? Where were the real and non-generic live pranksters. How about having Oogie Boogie join forces with the Divas and send Lock, Shock, and Barrel into Fantasyland to wreak havoc. One of those trick or treaters popping out in Hell would have been a swell surprise.

I got in line to ride Peter Pan’s flight, but as I neared the loading area, I saw the flash of lightning and heard Diva-ish laughter. I got out of line to see what was taking place on the parapets of Sleeping Beauty Castle. I was afraid I was going to miss the moment. What moment? You know, that slam bang surprise at the end of the evening, when you think it’s all over and the Headless Horseman shows up on Main Street to toss a flaming pumpkin and you still are talking about how completely wonderful it was even a year later. Yeah, that moment.

Well, let’s see. I got out of the Peter Pan line to see Maleficent spew a few lines at the Good Fairies and then make an unceremonious exit through a door in the castle. Wow. That’s what I call entertainment!

I returned to the Peter Pan line to resume my pin quest. Guess what kids? After midnight. So sorry. The event’s over.

Now that’s just fine.

I’m not going to dwell on this much further. I did that in part one and by now I am sure you get the point that I was not pleased, not pleased at all...

I did manage to get my pins by quickly going to the exit of the two rides I didn’t have time to ride and you know what? There were a lot of other folks standing there with me trying to get their pins too. I never got to have my picture taken at the photo ops. I never got a Divas pressed quarter. The lines were too long. By the time I went back to both of those things, they were shut down.

I love hosts who throw a party and only let a few of the guests eat the cake.

Dear Readers, you may be asking yourselves what about the magic moment. It did come didn’t it? There was something special to end the evening, was there not? Sure kids. Sure.

What makes magic?

Well, let’s see. Let’s consult my handy dandy dictionary, "come over here, dear, will you? What do you have to say?"

1) The art of persons who claim to be able to do things by the help of supernatural powers or by their own knowledge of nature’s secrets.

2) An extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural force. 3) Sleight of hand.

Thank you dictionary.

Let me throw in one more thing. You remember I am the director of this column and my power here is autonomous so what I say goes,

3) Something unexpected.

The fine folks of the city of New Orleans have a good word for this, lagniappe. It means a little something extra and should not be confused with that horrid mime in New Orleans Square who is a little something too much.

I think we needed lagniappe.

Dear Readers, I must, yet again, mention the Mr. Toad evening. I have stated before that for me, it is the benchmark of Disneyland Merchandizing events. The magic moment at Mr. Toad had all the elements listed above, including my addendum.

It was completely unexpected. As such many folks missed it. Too bad, that’s what you get when you leave before the fat lady sings. It seemed to come from a supernatural force and it definitely was Disney art. And it was cool. I will never forget it. I am glad I was alive and on Main Street at that very moment in time.

It was magic. Pure Disney magic.

So, the "magic" moment last night went something like this. Everyone stand in front of the castle. You there! Yes, You. Stand behind the line, don’t get too close. Now wait. Yes, that’s a good, ummm well, just wait. And wait. And wait some more. Something cool’s gonna happen. You’ll be glad, trust me you really will. Wait some more.

"I’m hungry. Anyone want to go to Denny’s?"

Wait some more.

Okay. I am exaggerating, but not by too much. We all stood in front of the castle waiting a long time. So ix-nay on the urprise-say element.

Oooh, lights dim.

Something’s comin’ something great…

I can’t wait.

Okay so the Divas come out on the parapets of the castle. They sing a short reprise of the Diva song. Maleficent shouts at us to "Now GO!" A couple of pyrotechnics ignite.

The End.

Stunning huh?

That’s how I felt.

Stunned.

"That" moment at Sleeping Beauty Castle

Now Dear Readers, if the object of the exercise was to have good vanquish evil would it not have been a better show to at least have the Three fairies come up and get rid of the Divas. Makes sense, no? Of course it makes sense, that’s why they didn’t do it.

The crowd kind of sighed a collective moan, as if to say that’s it? And then disbursed into the night too tired to care any more, in search of that always popular and ever present merchandise pick-up. Hey it is Disney (have I said that in the past?)

One more thing Dear Readers, I know I am quite verbose here so indulge me a second or two more. I have another good thing to say and since they were far and few between, I do want you to hear it.

My companions all ditched me for one reason or another and I was left standing alone in front of the castle. I was too weary to care and I knew the night had just begun for me, as I had to make the journey home and sit at my keyboard to bring this story to you. In my stunned state, I headed toward the hub and out. I was directed to a waiting Omnibus. That was lovely. If you had no merchandise to pick up and I did not, you could just take off. The Omnibus would make the journey to main gate a little more pleasant.

I elected not to purchase anything. This was both good and bad. The Merchandizing folks in all their infinite wisdom elected to send us a brochure with drawings of said merchandise on it. We had to select what we wanted and mail the thing back in a timely fashion (Which I did not — I’m bad with deadlines and haven’t a clue where to drop off a FedEx package). I am not of a mind to buy something sight unseen. Since I didn’t like the t-shirts offered (I wanted a simple black long sleeved t-shirt with a small version of the Divas logo embroidered on the upper left chest. No gaudy big thing cheaply printed on the back of a gray t-shirt for me, thank you ever so much) and I’m not fond of pins, there wasn’t much else in the affordable range for me.

Had I known that the lenticular pins were so beautiful, I would have bought some. The drawing on the brochure looked like an icky, square, cheaply made piece of junk for $15. The real thing is gorgeous. Check MouseShoppe for a look. So I didn’t get one. Damn. Oh well, so it goes. My life will not end.

So I was sans merchandise. I had only the little pins and the amulet given to me during the event. I headed for the tunnel under the berm. There were hoards of cast members there. It didn’t quite register what was going on, being of little brain at that point in the evening.

Oh, they wanted to clip my little black wristband off. I extended my arm.

"Would you like to keep it as a souvenir?"

"Yes, please."

Never throw away A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

The cast member handed me a box.

The girl to my left was talking and she shoved a box in front of me. It was kind of like being behind glass. I could see her lips moving, I couldn’t process the information and I didn’t much care at that point. I felt tired and battered, famished and I just wanted to go home.

"This is what’s in the box."

"What?"

"This is what’s in the box."

I looked a little closer. I could make out a little black blob. Focus, Sue focus. I squinted. It started to become a little clearer.

The fog parted from my brain.

"Oh my! You mean we get that?"

"Yes."

"Wow. Thank you. Thank you very much!"

I was the proud possessor of the most gorgeous Maleficent pin you have ever seen. Yes, Dear Readers, the girl who hates pins now has one she adores with the most reverent admiration possible.

The picture just doesn't do it justice...

So to tie this all up with a nice satin ribbon,

Good:

The show, in particular -- Calamari and the Evil Queen

The surprise gift of the Maleficent pin.

Bad:

Too much waiting.

Not enough flow to the evening, the segue from one part to the next was terrible.

Too much dead space with no diversion of either music or character interaction.

Food choices (next time may I suggest you have guests notify you at time of ticket order if there is a dietary problem, and then provide an alternative, please—In addition to my particular dietary restrictions, I noted that vegetarians didn’t have a whole lot to eat at the event either).

Poor planning (and rain doesn’t hold water, so to speak, as an excuse--so don’t even try to use it).

I cannot comment on how the sale of the merchandise was handled since I bought nothing. I would have bought something, several hundred dollars of something, in fact, had I been able to see an actual picture of the merchandise beforehand.

Also, I am sure everyone that attends these functions are Disney fanatics but not all Disney fanatics have unlimited resources. Kindly consider this and along with the high-end stuff, try to offer a few more reasonably priced items.

And that Dear Readers was my take on the Divas event. Your comments, as always are welcomed by me.

If you'd like to write Sue, you can drop her a line at: tggrfn@aol.com

All character art is © Disney

Part One